nemo

I  have a new appreciating for the rower.
700 cals in 25 minutes..

i wrote this at home friday night..

thats all ..

 I am so pissed off...
I want to cry. 

I'll be back later to post pictures ..I don't even know where I will cut.. who cares. I'm just a fuckin freak ... why not add more.

ok I can't believe I'm talking like this.. I rarely get this pissed off... but i've had it!!! 

pics..oh and my legs don't really look like that.. the light is fucked!!!

 I'm going to try to have a better food day today... the only thing that can totally screw it up is bowling tonight with my family... its my dads and my neices bday today :D yay. but i NEED to go to the gym today fter work.. then the bowling alley.  Everything I do seems like a chore. I'm so tired. I just want to do nothing really...I don't even do my hair.. blahhh

I have a mtg with a lady today that I've had to meet with SOO much because shes being a total tool with regards to her planting project and gettin water to the treees...she wants to core a small waterline under a canal that is owned by an irrigation district.. It will xost her thousands of dollars.. so basically we are going out there today to talk to her about this... and get it all sorted out.. 

I took sun,mon,tues off from the gym..needed for sure physically.. but mentallyy it was bad... gotta go today.

I feel like I was just at work...maye I'll take the aft off? I dunno...yesterday i worked from 730am-8ish pm

 great news.. the boss said it is freezing back here in the office.. but he also said the heat was cranked to 24 degrees so it should be TOO hot... well it looks like the furnace is fucked haha.. I don't know why I'm laughing . I'm the one that suffers... but it is nice to know that I'm not going crazy... 
so about that cut free thing. I cut last night... on my ribs.. it felt good because now I feel it everytime I breathe...the gym will be fun later tonight.. deep breathing for an hour and a half ish... that's if I go.  I have a mtg ALL day today.. lunch and supper so I might be too tired to hit the gym..:(. good news is that for lunch and supper they are serving beef.. but there will probably be loads of salads..covered in nasty dressing..I brought two rice cakes, honey, and a fruit to go thing...

 my eyes are burning...my weekend is over.. and it wasn't exactly a success story.. (i like saying success story, it reminds me of an episode of QAF.. when emmett tries to be straight) anyways. 
I think I need a couple days off from the gym...
my office is freezing 
I'm wearing a toque, a t shirt, two hoodies, a wool scarf, winterboots and I had gloves on.. this building is old and drafty.

I haven't cut for a while.. maybe a week ish.. it's honestly out of laziness... I want to but fall asleep too fast... or maybe i'm scared now bc I cut my lip so bad... its probably just out of being tired.

I just had two cookies .. they were big.. now I AM HUGE.. maybe I'll purge them.. maybe I'm too tired to purge

I went to the gym after work today.. but I was exhausted..and stressed about money...
whats my prob?  I keep eating and I have NO energy!! so i left after half an hour.... I think i'll go back again tonight..
I'm pissed that I have no internet at home right now... I'm bored.. altho I sleep more... total bonus .. I was beginning to be a super grump.. ... I'm taking tomorrow off.... because I can't afford to go see my sister. I'm taking that day for me to apply for part time jobs.. for more money..... Plus my co worker is taking it off.. so I won't be doing much.

I really wish the entire world worked on/with in-kind type of services... That way we wouldn't need money.. in a perfect world.. god that would be sweet.  I did read about a culture that does that.. It was in one of my anthro classes... gotta go workout or do laundry.. one or the other.

  ok here is a prime example of why I am a total stress case..

 i'm annoyed... I don't want to talk to anyone!  I want to be alone and by myself in my house.. doing my thing.. reading.. working out.. cutting.. (haven't cut in 4 days)  Not that I haven't wanted to.. I just fell asleep before I could..

So yesterday it nearly happened.... 

 

 fuck I'm dumb.. I probly just purged my epilepsy medication. .. I cant say for sure. but its likely... I don't know what to do. I don't want to take it again .. just incase I didn't purge it.. because not a lot of food came up before i remembered I had taken it.. but still... I called the pharmacist and asked her (told her i was sick 20 minutes after i took it.. she said if i puked a lot then take it again.. but if I didn't than just take my next dose when I should... I guess I probly have enough in my sustem to be ok even if I did puke it up...... Any thoughts? 

 me stretching

 Thursday... I'm exhausted...It's been a long week of no sleep... that and I spent half an hour purgin my supper....I ate tons.. the words are so blurry right now.  I had the big talk with my dad tonight.  It went well.   I feel lighter.. like a weight is off my back..... Or it might be the empty stomach... I was going to write a long and wonderful entry on my talk with my dad .. but i'm finally tired.. I just want to sleep. i'll write some tomorrow... 

I'm just sitting here running my finger over my cut on my bottom lip... thinking....

Today went pretty well with the whole cut lip thing.... altho it bled whenever I smiled.. which is apparently a lot!.. who knew.. Laughin was worse it split right open..  There was only one girl that questioned my explanation of how I got hurt...."how exactly did you cut your lip on a pop can?  NO one else asked me but this girl.....She gave me a bandaid and thought it would be hilarious if I put it on...I put it on... the floor haha ..with regards to the explanation .I said i was being an idiot and carryin it with my mouth.. that shut her up... I shoulda said i was going to cut the shit out of my shoulder and on the way I accidently nicked my lip don't ask me how .. 

Today was the first day I nearly fell asleep at my desk.  It was soooooo close!  Today is going to be a late night again.  I have an update to write for the board of directors... I've procrastinated beyond all hell.  So i just bought coffee and I need to get crackin on this. I just want to eat but i had a bagel before the gym... and a rice crispy square for lunch. Not exactly healthy I know... I'm exhausted and really want food..  :(  Maybe i'll make soup.. Probly not tho.

My roomie is home.. that guy needs to go back to work!!! 
Oh fuck.. I just checked my email for the info for the update i need to write and it didn't get sent fuck..... I could drive over to work. or just wing it from here... I'll try that.. and If I fail miserably i'll go motherfuckin early tmr.. like 5.. god that blows but i'll get it done.  I better start this.....i'm so tired.. my body feels numb.

my phone is fucked...I keep missing calls!!

I just ate rice cakes with some cheese on them and my lip started to bleed again.. insane.  I'm going to go purge them shortly
I'm having the big talk with dad tomorrow.. I told my stepmom what the talk was about... she said .....I'll write it in a bit

 bad day gone worse. I just cut my lip by accident.. I was going to cut my shoulder.. and on the way to cut my FACE got in the way.. someone please I need an excuse for how this happened.,,, fuck HELP.. It's bleeding bad.. ..

half and hour later...

I need to sleep but its still bleeding.. I hate lamictal and insomnia.. and cutting.. Maybe this is a wake up call?  You would think.  I'm too tired to care.

i'm totally having a bad day.. that post was from early this morning too....started off bad
so i went for lunch and had a thai chicken salad it was really good cept for the dressin was a bit much. I ended up just pickin out the chicken and peanuts and eating those.. and the noodles the lettuce was dripping with sauce.. I didn't eat before that.. or til 7 ish.. then I had a smoothie of sorts bc I busted my ass off at the gym seriously it was a good workout.. then I felt bad about the smoothie. .so i purged it. then I had chicken broth with some rice cakes.. kept that.. then I just had a few handfuls of dry cereal. I went to purge and realized I had already taken pills Fuck... so now i'm super fat and super pissed off at myself. christ
I hate this.. seriously. that salad made my stomach hurt sooo bad.. plus i couldn't purge it bc I was at work.  Why do i feel so guilty about a few handful of cereal? someone please tell me!  I want to go purge so bad. Maybe i'll go to the gym tmr am.. and pm.. Oh wait I hurt my other foot today! AGGGHHHH.. i'm fat. I'll go anyways hopefully my foot is ok.. wow bad day.. PLUS my roomates computer wrecked my usb thing that attatches to my camera.. fuck..

oh a lighter note tmr can only get better :D

this sux. I'm trying to increase cals but I dread the stuff that would let me..like going for lunch which I have to do today. and Friday frig.I cut both hands so now I need to cover those.  Oh well I don't care too much about the cuts showing.. its the lack of explanation.  I wish I knew where we were going for lunch. it would be a lot easier to decide what to eat.   I'm not losing much anymore either.. Maybe if I did I wouldn't care about cal intake so much.  I'm actually getting fed up... I am just annoyed at everyone and everything. I just want to get my period instead of the odd wee bit here and there...I just want to be happy with myself... SHED (self harm and eating disorder) is ruining that.  It's going to be cold when i go outside... thats even worse...

maybe I'd sleep if I didn't eat so many chocolate covered coffee beans.. so few cals tho (surprising.. I had to read the package twice)  Plus I burn a shitload at the gym.  

LH I love u

  
weird

 

hands...this is from yesterday..  sans edit.... creepy with no face eh?

and if someone recognizes me from this.. well you are smart... and if you are smart you already know about all my probs in life.. So I spose it doesn't matter..
today was good.. I busted my ass at the gym.. waited for my period.. I've been waiting a while....meh I know i'm not pregnant so I guess it doesn't matter either..still waiting... I drove around the countryside taking pictures of places I will plant trees next year.  I love trees.. and I love the spring/summer.  I'm getting pumped!!

                                                      

                                        

                                                                                         I like this..... 

     now it has meaning..